Is This Thing On?

It's been awhile since my last post.  A long while.  If you read blogs regularly, you'll find that most of them have a stopping point. 

I think that stopping point mirrors our lives. It's tough to blog about your life when you can't figure out what to say.   For the past six months, I haven't had much to say to anyone about anything of substance. 

My social media outlets light up with posts on the gym and pictures of our pets.  I'll chat up my neighbor about the weather.  Sometimes text a friend about a new beauty product.  Surface communication. Beyond that, I don't have much to say.

I hurt.  Every day.  Some days more than others.  I'm not sure how to express it. How to talk about it.  If I should talk about it anymore, and who would even want to listen.

Since our last round of treatment this summer, we have not scheduled any additional appointments.  It's simply too much.  The flimsy and failed connections with potential birthmothers, the negative test results, the list of diagnoses, the failed treatments, the side effects from all of the medication.  The loss of hope.  It's taken a huge toll and we need time to heal.

I hurt.  We hurt.  Our world has shrunk and we feel often feel alone.  I don't place any blame on our loved ones.  We're sad.  And tired.  And trying really hard not to be either.  Conversation often feels forced and neither one of us are exactly the life of the party right now. 

But the alone goes deeper than that.  I feel left out of major life milestones. Milestones that most people take for granted.  Some big.  Some small.  All losses.  Experiencing pregnancy and birth. Birth announcements.  Watching my father  become a grandfather.   Holding a child that is a part of so many who have come before them.  And more, many more.  So many losses. 

All unrecognized.

All this loss and grief woven into the fabric of daily life takes a toll.  When I look at old pictures, I marvel at the brave and cheerful face mugging for the camera.  So playful, full of life and outgoing.  Everyone's cheerleader.  I miss that girl.  There are glimpses of her now and then and it's a welcome relief.  But she's been hit hard by life lately and has no capacity to even begin to explain the impact.

So , here I am.  Hurting and trying to find a way to talk about it.