The Giant Time Out

7/14/13

We came here in search of solace.  Shelter from the storm of infertility.  Another failed treatment and another dent in the dream.  So, we packed up and ran away to a beach town.  In a tiny and cheerful little cottage, the grief seemed far away.  It was still there, but quieter.  Not as tangible.

Unknowingly, we returned to a place that was a happy highlight of my childhood.  I took more than small comfort in the warm memories and sense of nostalgia that they evoked.  It was a lovely novelty to have no plans, no appointments, nothing to do.  Four lovely days to fill as we pleased.

Our little family desperately needed this time out from the emotional rollercoaster we’d been riding. 

Even the dogs seem happier here. 

We just need to be and that’s all we’ve done.  Lots of sleeping in a luxurious king size bed.  Lots of lying  around and reading.  No TV, no phone or internet.  Just us.  Just stopping to be fully in the moment and taking joy wherever we could find it.

Wandering the shoreline and dipping our feet in the lake, mixing cocktails in the middle of the day…snacking, napping, playing in the yard with the dogs, farmer’s markets, walks to the ice cream shop and the novelty of meandering up and down the little highway that connects this string of tiny towns.

Stopping wherever we please and sampling the local delights.  Exploring and discovering delicious food and beautiful scenery.  The simple pleasures and charm of a summer beach town are balm for our wounds.

I like to think of this trip as the Giant Time Out.  A chance to be still and even silent.  To quietly reconnect with each other.  No expectations, no planning, no pressure.  A rare chance to just be.

In this silence, I am reminded of how very much we have to be thankful for.  My marriage and my life is rooted in love.  I am blessed beyond measure by the sheer amount of love in my life.  I find myself overwhelmed by the generous and compassionate souls that travel in and out of my life. As I pause and reflect, I am stunned by how very lucky I am.  After three years of feeling unlucky, this is like an elixir for my soul. 

It’s the beginning of healing, of acceptance and a small step away from grieving.

A very wise woman once gave me a mantra, “accept your life as is”.  Such a simple phrase and so powerful at the same time.  Once you focus on this concept, there is no turning back.

As I reap the rewards of the Giant Time Out, I’m slowly beginning to breathe again.

Now, more than ever, I think I’ve arrived at the end of this infertility journey.  For me, the road may end here.  No more treatments, no more false hopes and emotional rollercoaster rides.  I have other dreams to chase.  There are other avenues to explore and stories to write.

I think it may be time to fully accept my life as is- rooted deeply in love with laughter, and even some luck.