Time to Move On...

Time to move on
Time to get goin'

What lies ahead, I have no way of knowin'

But under my feet baby, the grass is growin'

Yeah, it's time to move on

Time to get goin'

                          -Tom Petty

Well, here we are.  It is time to move on.  For the past two and half years, I've been so focused on having a family that everything else has been on standby. It has been all consuming. This is not an easy place to find myself at, but it's time.

Time to focus on other things.  Time to renew friendships.  To laugh.  To explore.  To wander.  Time to decide what happens next.  Time to put away the loss and look at the possibilities. 

Time to focus on the rewards of the journey and not the sad outcome.

On a good day, I accept my life as is.  It's chock full of love and lovely people.  On a less than good day, I waffle between sad and angry that there are no babies to rock to sleep.  No family traditions to continue.  No small hands to hold while crossing the street.  I often feel like someone took the script for my life and shredded it.  Now it's time to start again and it's a challenge to stay positive and look ahead towards the unknown.

The good news is that I'm always up for a challenge- I'm stubborn like that!  I'm also always up for a bit of reflection.  The past few years have been some of the most challenging and painful ones of my life.  On the flip side, they have also been filled with personal growth, new experiences and love.  Always love.

I walk away sad about the outcome, but thankful for the journey.

While bumbling my way through this maze of infertility:

• My husband and I connected and supported each other through some doozies.  We both have a new found respect for each other's strengths and an acceptance of our weaknesses.

• I learned how to cook- from scratch!  My kitchen is now a refuge and not a place to store take out menus.

• I found out that a lot of my health issues are connected to a genetic defect with my autoimmune system and I learned what I can do to manage it.  I've probably never been this healthy before.

• I ran a mile!  For the first time ever!  And then I kept running and went on to complete over 20 races.

• I lost 40 lbs and gained muscles and confidence and the belief that I can do just about anything I want to do.

• I got promoted at work and took on a big, new role that I happen to love

• I rediscovered yoga and meditation and simple pleasures like watching the clouds pass by

• My heart broke into a million pieces over and over again and each time I picked the pieces up, my empathy for others multiplied.  I'm more sensitive and compassionate today than I was before

I'm sure there are other gains, but these were the first that came to mind.  A powerful reminder that even in a storm, there is still light.  The human spirit endures and continues, even when things seem bleak. 

I'm not sure where this next path will take me, but I'm betting on a good outcome.