I have been keeping a low profile lately. More so than normal. I've been focused on my work and on exercise and living a very small life as I cope with a whole slew of challenges.
This fall, I was diagnosed with Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) and endometriosis. At first the diagnosis was a big, fat relief. Hooray! I'm not a hypochondriac!! There is actually something going on here, so let's get busy treating the hell out of it. Cure me. I'm ready! I was almost giddy with relief.
As time went on, that began to change. There is no cure...
Both conditions can only be managed and managing them is akin to threading a needle with your eyes closed. Sometimes it works, mostly it doesn't.
I've tried meds, diet, exercise.- you name it. My doctor has now referred me to another one because he is simply out of options.
In the meantime, I spend about three weeks a month battling symptoms that range from mildly annoying (body aches and lack of concentration) to completely debilitating (pain and vomiting). I've thrown everything I have at this for the past six months. To say I'm frustrated is the understatement of the century!
The PMDD symptoms were just the tip of the iceberg...
· Disinterest in daily activities and relationships
· Fatigue or low energy
· Feeling of sadness or hopelessness
· Feelings of tension or anxiety
· Feeling out of control
· Food cravings or binge eating
· Mood swings marked by periods of teariness
· Panic attack
· Persistent irritability or anger that affects other people
· Physical symptoms, such as bloating, headaches, and joint or muscle pain
· Problems sleeping
· Trouble concentrating
· chronic fatigue
· pelvic pain
· vomiting
· fibroids
· abdominal adhesions
· infertility
I began to hate my body. Why couldn't it just work like it was supposed to?
This week I had a minor breakthrough, which I hope will snowball in the days, weeks and months ahead....
Determined to continue working out and battle these conditions without drugs, I signed on for six more months with my trainer. I'm stubborn like that. He said we needed a goal. I found a 30 day challenge on the internet and printed it out. His reaction was not what I expected. I thought he would be thrilled that I had done my homework. Instead he pulled a face and said, "this looks pretty hard." My confidence faltered. I considered changing my mind.
Then, I took a leap of faith...
I trusted my body to do what it could. I insisted on doing the workout. And I was successful! I'm not sure who was more surprised- me or my trainer. It was truly a light bulb moment.
I'm stronger than I realize. I have the ability to endure. I can push through to get to the end.
It was just the realization I needed as I dig deep and try to manage the PMDD and the endo and the infertility - all without losing my mind.
Somewhere, buried deep inside of me, there was a little voice that knew what I could do. All I had to do was listen to it and take a leap of faith. The road ahead doesn't look particularly easy to me, but I have big plans to leap and jump and soar my way down it!
Whatever your obstacle may be , can you find a way to leap? There is so much power and pure magic in not giving up on yourself.
