What She Said...

I'm on vacation and happily reading, reading, reading my little heart out.  I stumbled across this blog along the way and needed to share it.  What a relief to find someone who was able to put this into words!

I've pasted excerpts from the original post and highlighted my favorite parts.   To learn more about the author, or to read the entire post in the original format, please click the link at the end of the article.  Happy reading!

What We Wish You Knew: Supporting Loved Ones in Infertility

"The first thing that is tantamount to understanding the broken heart of an infertile couple is realizing that infertility is a loss and a death that needs to be grieved. It is often the loss of a lifelong dream. It is the loss of what could have been and for couples who choose not to pursue other methods, it is the loss of legacy of children, grandchildren and many many memories.

Because this is a grieving process, there is no way to rush through, around or over it. Your patience and grace will be of unending value to the couple grieving. And just like every other grief process, it will cycle. There are stages of acceptance, anger, devastation, sadness, hope, loneliness, despair and ambivalence. There is no "getting over it" and it is a gut wrenching, emotionally consuming process that everyone goes through differently.

With that background, here are a few well-intentioned quips that are meant to be helpful, but are often times very painful. We all know in our heads that these are well intentioned, sincere, and borne out of a desire to help, but depending on where we are in our grief cycle, our hurt hearts can overrule our heads and we can lash out or bury that bur and carry it for a long time.

Have you considered adoption?
Without question, this is the most common thing said to us. I would wager a guess that any infertile couple you would encounter is aware of the existence of adoption without it being suggested. Some couples may get there, but the decision is a very personal, difficult one, and is not answered out of a desire to "replace" or "substitute" a biological child. There are a couple issues at play.

I have lost my dream of ever giving birth to a precious angel with my husband's eyes and my grandma's smile, and no child conceived of another will ever mend that ache. That particular part of my heart will never be full. Just as you would never say to a grieving spouse "Why don't you just marry someone else?" the proposition to an infertile couple that they "just" adopt, is rarely helpful.

Unfortunately however, the world often portrays it that way. Many couples only turn to adoption after their biological road has ended and this is unfortunate but at the end of the day, I think most stable Americans should at least consider adoption because there are far more children in need of homes than there are parents willing to love them. I completely agree that not every couple is called to adopt, but that question should not be contingent on biological reproductive ability anyway. The bottom line is that the question could easily be asked of you (the fertile), "Why don't youadopt?" and the question would be equally awkward, biology aside. The decision to adopt a child hinges on so much more than biological capacity or lack thereof.


Relax. It will happen when it happens.
This is probably one of the most nonsensical approaches I've heard and unfortunately, it's the second most common thing we hear. While it is true that stress may be a factor in someinfertility cases, and it's true that stress can compound any other problem, a large number of infertile couples suffer from true medical malfunctions that require treatment. Relaxing won't cure cancer or the flu, and it won't cure infertility.

Additionally, infertility often presents interpersonal challenges between the spouses and with their friends and family. They're probably doing their very best to navigate the emotional waters as best they can while still keeping their relationship in tact. This journey is stressful, painful, and tiring. Telling them to "relax" is as futile as telling a two year old to sit still, or a grieving spouse to stop missing his beloved.

Lastly, telling a couple to relax implies that their infertility to that point has been their fault and if they would just keep their emotions in check and settle down, everything would be fine. Infertility is not earned or deserved though sometimes I confess that if I had a "reason" for having this cross to bear, it might make it a little easier.

We also know that we don't want you to be able to understand this grief first hand. I don't know of any infertile couple who would wish this cross on anyone else. So in that regard, we are glad when our loved ones can't or don't understand because they have been spared this pain.

But that doesn't always make the loneliness that accompanies this journey any more bearable. Know that we love and appreciate you, and we appreciate your grace and patience as we do our best to show you that when our hearts are trying to get the better of us. "

http://blessedarethebarren.blogspot.com/2007/12/what-we-wish-you-knew-supporting-loved.html?m=1

This Shit is Hard.

Here's the thing- You never really walk away from infertility.  It's a loss and a grief that you will carry with you the rest of your life.  It changes you forever.  There are no easy answers and there are no perfect outcomes.  To deny that minimizes your journey.

The hubs and I have decided to move on and aggressively pursue adopting an older child.  We are signed up for parenting classes and working on what we'll need to do to pass a home study.  We are also thinking about seeking a second opinion with a new Reproductive Endocrinologist.  We're also thinking about throwing up our hands and walking away from the whole damn thing- for good.   Or becoming foster parents.  Sometimes, we're thinking about all of these options and changing our mind in the course of a day or even an hour. 

Clearly, there is no instruction manual for this kind of thing.

In the process, we are simply driving our friends and family members crazy.  Thinking out loud.  Announcing that we are pursuing one path, only to retract our decision later.  These lovely, lovely people root and cheer for us the whole way through.  If they have even half as much battle fatigue as we do, their kindness is nothing short of a miracle.   They love us and just want us to be happy.  The problem is that we're not even sure anymore what will make us happy.

Did I mention that this shit is hard?

Recently, I find myself reluctant to talk about it with our loved ones. Or I feel bad when I do bring it up.   I sense that this is becoming too much.  It's gone on for too long.  The back and forth and wheel spinning is exhausting.  There are other things happening in the world and our quest to have children is starting to become more than a little self involved.  It's tough.  I need support.  We need support.  We and the loved ones in our life also need resolution .

It's hard to resolve when you are still working things out.  The grief goes on and on.  Choices, choices everywhere and sometimes you're just too damn overwhelmed /tired/sad/angry to pick one.  But the whole time, you feel an urgent need to decide, to 'move on',  to solve the situation.  I know I need to accept this new normal and understand that the course of my life will be different. 

Historically, this is not a strength of mine. 

When my parents divorced, I was a junior in high school.  For many, many years after that I spent a lot of time mentally dividing my life up into the "before" and "after" of the divorce.  It took me almost a decade to process the grief of my nuclear family changing and ending.  To accept the new normal and understand that the course of my life would be different.  Not bad, just different.  For a long, long time- I was unable to truly accept it.  I had a very happy childhood and it ended when my parents split.  It was  surreal - almost as if that whole life before ceased to exist.  I literally ached and mourned for my "before" life.  

I was homesick for something that no longer existed.  A home I could not return home to. 

Lately, I'm struck by how much my reaction to infertility mirrors that divorce journey.  Deep, deep grief.  The death of a dream and a huge change in the course of my life- one I did not ask for.  I've been angry and sad and felt hopeless.   And that same nagging feeling of being homesick for a space or place you can never return to. 

The grief is the thing.  You can't shop it away.  You can't run it away.  Or wish it away. Or sleep it away.  There is no escape.  Trust me.  I've tried.  Very hard. 

Without fail, the grief returns.  And it's exhausting.

It makes you want to leave a giant out of office message to the world.  One that will give you the space and energy to begin to process this experience.  To mourn your losses and assess your choices.

Just when it feels like the whole world should come to a screeching  halt, life moves on.  In the time we're been on this road,  the loved ones in our life have married, had multiple children, moved across the country.  They've graduated from college and gone off into the world.  They have tried new jobs and some even have even passed on. 

And here we are.  In the same boat we were paddling almost three years ago. Assessing our options and changing our minds on a daily basis.  No easy answers or magic solutions ahead.

Like I said before-this shit is hard.

Time to Move On...

Time to move on
Time to get goin'

What lies ahead, I have no way of knowin'

But under my feet baby, the grass is growin'

Yeah, it's time to move on

Time to get goin'

                          -Tom Petty

Well, here we are.  It is time to move on.  For the past two and half years, I've been so focused on having a family that everything else has been on standby. It has been all consuming. This is not an easy place to find myself at, but it's time.

Time to focus on other things.  Time to renew friendships.  To laugh.  To explore.  To wander.  Time to decide what happens next.  Time to put away the loss and look at the possibilities. 

Time to focus on the rewards of the journey and not the sad outcome.

On a good day, I accept my life as is.  It's chock full of love and lovely people.  On a less than good day, I waffle between sad and angry that there are no babies to rock to sleep.  No family traditions to continue.  No small hands to hold while crossing the street.  I often feel like someone took the script for my life and shredded it.  Now it's time to start again and it's a challenge to stay positive and look ahead towards the unknown.

The good news is that I'm always up for a challenge- I'm stubborn like that!  I'm also always up for a bit of reflection.  The past few years have been some of the most challenging and painful ones of my life.  On the flip side, they have also been filled with personal growth, new experiences and love.  Always love.

I walk away sad about the outcome, but thankful for the journey.

While bumbling my way through this maze of infertility:

• My husband and I connected and supported each other through some doozies.  We both have a new found respect for each other's strengths and an acceptance of our weaknesses.

• I learned how to cook- from scratch!  My kitchen is now a refuge and not a place to store take out menus.

• I found out that a lot of my health issues are connected to a genetic defect with my autoimmune system and I learned what I can do to manage it.  I've probably never been this healthy before.

• I ran a mile!  For the first time ever!  And then I kept running and went on to complete over 20 races.

• I lost 40 lbs and gained muscles and confidence and the belief that I can do just about anything I want to do.

• I got promoted at work and took on a big, new role that I happen to love

• I rediscovered yoga and meditation and simple pleasures like watching the clouds pass by

• My heart broke into a million pieces over and over again and each time I picked the pieces up, my empathy for others multiplied.  I'm more sensitive and compassionate today than I was before

I'm sure there are other gains, but these were the first that came to mind.  A powerful reminder that even in a storm, there is still light.  The human spirit endures and continues, even when things seem bleak. 

I'm not sure where this next path will take me, but I'm betting on a good outcome.

Picking up the pieces

I’ve been a hot mess lately.  Going through the motions and giving myself mini pep talks throughout the day.  Most of the time, it feels like my heart is somewhere outside of my body.   I alternate between denial, acknowledgement and feeling numb.

I know deep in my core that it will be ok.  It’s not ok right now, but it will be.

In the midst of all this sadness, I am profoundly thankful.  Such a strange dynamic.  Grief and blessings all rolled into one.  I am so grateful to never walk this path alone.  The love and kindness from the people in my life envelops me and is a balm for my broken heart.  So many people walk through trying times alone.  I feel lucky not to be one of them.

I am also extraordinarily thankful for my husband.  This man is hands down one of the most compassionate and loving humans I have ever had the chance to meet.  How he does it is a mystery to me.   His spirit, the joie de vivre of his soul inspires me.  I will forever be a better person from the time spent with him.  He gives me the courage to be exactly who I am and the acceptance to do it without apology.

 I cannot imagine a greater gift.

This is How a Heart Breaks

Here's the thing- I'm a researcher by nature.  It's at the core of my being. While my husband's core seeks calm, I crave data.  To me, knowledge is powerful.  Once you have the facts, you can make choices.   The trick is to remove the emotion and focus on the facts. 

Get your information.  Make choices. Move forward.

This was my internal dialogue as I sat in the waiting room of the Reproductive Endocrinologist's office.  While my unflappable  husband skimmed magazines and commented on his findings, I clasped my hands in my lap and focused on my mantra.

The bizarre humor of the situation was not completely lost on me.  Here I sat, childless, surrounded by pictures of beaming babies and copies of Parenting magazine.  The longer I sat there, the funnier this was.  Were they all sold out of cityscapes the day this doc opened shop?  Were the larger than life framed baby posters meant to inspire me?

So we waited and waited and then waited some more.  An hour later, we were called back for our consult.  For me, nothing good ever comes from stewing in a waiting room for an hour. 

My mantra was long gone.  It was slowly being replaced by a seething anger  mingled with an overwhelming desire to run out the door.

In hindsight, I should have listened to myself right there.  It was a powerful foreshadowing of what was in store for us.  We spent an hour 'consulting' with the doctor.  Another hour or so being shuttled around to various rooms and talking to a myriad of staff members.  About three hours total.  It will take me so much longer to move past this experience. 

As the one who pushed and pushed for additional tests and set up this meeting, the irony of the experience is not lost on me.

As we settled into our chairs, the first thing the doctor said to us was "Is there anything I can do for you, besides give you a baby?"  He threw back his head and howled with laughter.  My terse response was, "No, I think that should be about all".

After his next question, I began staring longingly and unabashedly at the door. ..

"So, why aren't you pregnant?"  Followed by more jolly laughter.

I may have actually gasped a bit here.  His lack of sensitivity was stunning.  My unflappable husband was sitting up straighter in his chair with widening eyes.  I managed to stammer out something along the lines of  "I have no idea, you tell me."

And this is what he told us. ..

My husband is the perfect specimen of health.  Great test results.  No problems.  I believe the phrase "strong man" was used.  Frankly, it's a bit of a blur.  So, that brings us back to me...


Dr. Wonderful was quick to point out that I am "the problem".    Apparently my ovary age is more advanced than my actual age.  A 'normal' number on this test for me would be a 5 or a 6.  My result was a  1.    Add in Endometriosis and my age and this number is a big problem.

Not good.  To make matters worse, his delivery left a lot to be desired. And that's putting it mildly. 

At this point, I'm frantically taking notes and trying to keep up with what he is saying.  He has completely stopped acknowledging me and is explaining the treatment options only to my husband.  I insert questions where I can and he talks right over me. 

At one point, Dr. Wonderful cracks a joke about me to my husband.  The same husband who has his hand glued to my back and his jaw clenched.

Really, I should have run for the door when I had the chance.

It felt like someone sucked the breath right out of me.  One of those really bad dreams you can't seem to wake up from...
And then, finally, his sales pitch/consultation is over.  And I look at him and mutter "I'm not sure about all of this."  His eyebrows raise in disbelief and he actually clucks at me as he asks about my reservations.

I sit there and feel mute.  Speechless.  Defeated.  Stare at the door for a few seconds and then splutter out something about the risks and side effects and taking the meds...wrap up by saying "It's a lot and I'm overwhelmed."

His response is twofold- first he laughs.

He laughs.  I gasp for air and struggle to control the tears that threaten to take over.

He then asks me if I would seek treatment if my husband was having a heart attack.  Of course I say.  He smiles and says that this is the same thing and I need to seek treatment.  Dr.  Wonderful continues on to say that when I have a headache I take Tylenol.  He shrugs his shoulders and tells me that the hormones, the injections and the medicines required for treatment are no different than taking Tylenol.   That even Tylenol comes with risks. 

He shrugs his shoulders and tells me that if being afraid of medicine is more important than a baby, then he cannot help me.

At that point, I stand up and start moving towards the door.  I am too shaken up to fully process everything that just happened.  All I know is I want out. NOW.

The next hour is a blur as we shuttle around to meet with various other staff members. 

When it is finally over, I am mute. 

I sit in the car, hiding behind giant sunglasses.  Unable to even make eye contact with my husband. 

He drives. I cry. He keeps driving, intuitively understanding what to do.  He gives me the space I need to find my voice.

And then in a sign of springing back to life, I do what any good Italian does in a time of crisis, I demand food...  We eat the meats and cheeses of my childhood.  Sample simple pizzas and pasta.  Drink red wine out of chipped glasses that remind me of my grandmother.  I feed my soul and my broken heart.  My husband holds my hand.  We are one.  We will survive this sadness.

At home, I fall into a deep and restless sleep.  I wake with tears on my pillow and the knowledge that we will be ok. 

Taking a Leap of Faith

I have been keeping a low profile lately.  More so than normal.  I've been focused on my work and on exercise and living a very small life as I cope with a whole slew of challenges. 

This fall, I was diagnosed with Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) and endometriosis.    At first the diagnosis was a big, fat relief.  Hooray!  I'm not a hypochondriac!!  There is actually something going on here, so let's get busy treating the hell out of it.  Cure me.  I'm ready!  I was almost giddy with relief.

As time went on, that began to change.  There is no cure...

 Both conditions can only be managed and managing them is akin to threading a needle with your eyes closed. Sometimes it works,  mostly it doesn't.   

I've tried meds, diet, exercise.- you name it.  My doctor has now referred me to another one because he is simply out of options.

In the meantime, I spend about three weeks a month battling symptoms that range from mildly annoying (body aches and lack of concentration) to completely debilitating (pain and vomiting).  I've thrown everything I have at this for the past six months.   To say I'm frustrated is the understatement of the century!

The PMDD symptoms were just the tip of the iceberg...

·         Disinterest in daily activities and relationships

·         Fatigue or low energy

·         Feeling of sadness or hopelessness

·         Feelings of tension or anxiety

·         Feeling out of control

·         Food cravings or binge eating

·         Mood swings marked by periods of teariness

·         Panic attack

·         Persistent irritability or anger that affects other people

·         Physical symptoms, such as bloating, headaches, and joint or muscle pain

·         Problems sleeping

·         Trouble concentrating

When the PMDD was kept at bay, it was time for the endometriosis to kick in...

·         chronic fatigue

·         pelvic pain

·         vomiting

·         fibroids

·         abdominal adhesions

·         infertility

I began to hate my body.  Why couldn't it just work like it was supposed to?

This week I had a minor breakthrough, which I hope will snowball in the days, weeks and months ahead....

Determined to continue working out and battle these conditions without drugs, I signed on for six more months with my trainer.  I'm stubborn like that.  He said we needed a goal.  I found a 30 day challenge on the internet and printed it out.  His reaction was not what I expected.  I thought he would be thrilled that I had done my homework.  Instead he pulled a face and said, "this looks pretty hard."  My confidence faltered.  I considered changing my mind.

Then, I took a leap of faith...

I trusted my body to do what it could.  I insisted on doing the workout.  And I was successful!  I'm not sure who was more surprised- me or my trainer.  It was truly a light bulb moment.

 I'm stronger than I realize.  I have the ability to endure.  I can push through to get to the end.

It was just the realization I needed as I dig deep and try to manage the PMDD and the endo and the infertility - all without losing my mind.

Somewhere, buried deep inside of me, there was a little voice that knew what I could do.    All I had to do was listen to it and take a leap of faith.  The road ahead doesn't look particularly easy to me,  but I have big plans to leap and jump and soar my way down it!

Whatever your obstacle may be , can you find a way to leap?  There is so much power and pure magic in not giving up on yourself.

What's your wallet?

The past week has been challenging.  That’s actually putting it mildly.  The past week has been a chaotic, ridiculous frenzied circus.  A home organization project spiraled out of control; work demanded every millisecond of my attention.   My apartment looked like an audition for Hoarders; the dirty dishes were stacked on the stove because the sink was full and I wasn’t sure where I could locate any more clean clothes to get to the end of the work week.    For someone who thrives on order, it wasn’t pretty.

By the time Thursday evening rolled around, I was a red wine swilling hot mess.

At 7pm, I was in sweats and plunked firmly on the couch watching the Home Shopping Network.  (For anyone who knows me well, this is the equivalent of total meltdown mode)   

By 8 pm, I had abandoned the couch for bed.  It’s important to note here that I literally crawled from the couch into bed.  Makeup intact, clothes on, wine glass askew- you get the picture.

I normally have an end of the evening routine.  Pack a lunch for the next day, compile a quick to do list, walk the dog, charge my phone, lay out clothes for the gym and office.  Basic prep for the day ahead.

Not last night.  Nope.  Last night it was a long 500’ crawl straight to bed where I was dozing blissfully until an early morning text message catapulted me from bed.

“I have your wallet”

Now before your mind goes wandering down a very dark and dramatic road, let me clarify…

The text message was from my husband, who was at work.  At work with my wallet.   The wallet I left in the car last night before the wine swilling, virtual shopping meltdown.

This leaves me at home without my wallet.  Which is all fine and dandy until a quick inventory of the apartment reveals that my CTA card and emergency cash are both in said wallet.  

At this point, I have:

·         No money

·         No access to money

·         No car

·         No way to get to work, where I am expected to be in just over an hour

·         A husband who cannot leave work to bring me the damn thing

Immediately, I am obsessed with getting my wallet back.  I am completely focused on that wallet and the contents of it.  In my mind, the day  can not start until I have my wallet back.

I frantically brush my teeth and scour the rubble for shoes.  Reserve a Zipcar online.  Run to the car.  Attempt to open the car with my phone.  Get messages telling me I must use my card to access the car for the first time.  That’s fine, but we all know where that card is, right? 

Yes, yes it is.  It’s …in the wallet.

After stomping my feet and letting loose a few choice words, I call customer service and pray that my dwindling cell phone battery makes it though the call.


I manage to stumble through all of my secret passwords and security questions and I am on the road with 30 minutes to spare.  30 minutes that I will spend sitting in rush hour traffic on Lake Shore Drive.  Wall to wall traffic.  The kind of traffic where you completely question your existence and pound the steering wheel in frustration.  The kind of traffic that lets your mind wander to other places…..

My wandering mind thought about the two rolls of quarters in the laundry room that could be CTA fare or even cab money.  The good friend who lives a block away and has access to both a car and cash.   My retired father who lives 10 minutes away and also has access to a car and cash (and probably a snack)

Instead, I was sitting on Lake Shore Drive watching the clock tick closer and closer to the start of my meeting.  I was hungry and not sure that I remembered to lock the door on my way out.

Later in the day, when my wallet and I were safely at work, I was finally able to catch my breath chuckle about my morning.  At this moment, it struck me that my wallet could easily symbolize any obstacle we create for ourselves.

Here's the thing-I was so focused on the wallet that I failed to see all of the options in front of me.


There were at least three other ways (calmer and more effective ways) to resolve this.  By only zooming in on the wallet, I missed all of the other choices and probably spiked my blood pressure a few points along the way!

Is there something that you are so focused on that you’ve lost your way?  Is it clouding your vision and preventing new ideas from sinking in?  What are you fixated on and what are you missing with this fixation?


What’s your wallet?