keep your eyes on your own paper

I fell in love with my life today. Just like that. As if someone flipped a switch or turned on a spotlight to showcase all the wonderful that surrounds me.


An actual blizzard forced me to forgo work and the normal daily grind for three days of fun. I spent the past 72 hours wandering around and doing whatever the hell I felt like doing. This included napping and baking and cooking and lots of walking and laughing and playing with the dog and yoga and cocktails and bubble baths and wandering around outside taking pictures and reading a novel slowly to savor every last, beautifully placed word on the page. There were snow angels and giggle fits. Dancing and clapping. Story swapping and favorite movies.


It was almost like being a kid again. And it was absolutely magical.


Often, I find myself caught up in the managing and the planning and the details of life. I struggle against this grind. It's a valiant effort, but more often than not the planning and managing win. Lately, there has been a lot of "what next" plans ,discussions and debates on the home front. Somewhere along the way, I picked up the memo that I should be doing something. "Moving forward" That awful cliché, 'the next step' has been tossed around more than a few times.


Ironically, I have found myself unable (unwilling?) to truly commit to anything. In some inexplicable way, my soul was pulling the emergency brake. The more I tried to truck along, the more that brake was calling my name. Even as I write this, I am unable to fully articulate the sensation or the internal conflict it caused.


Then it snowed and snowed and snowed some more. And the debate got put on hold.


Instead of worrying about 'the next step', I was wondering if the fudge recipe on the marshmallow bag was any good. For the first time in a long time, my mind wandered. For three consecutive days, I did not make a to do list. (For those who know me, that alone is nothing short of a miracle!)


And, you know what? It did me a world of good. As I said at the beginning, I literally fell in love with my life. In love with my cozy apartment and my good natured and indulgent husband and the warm and lovely people in my life who accept my inherent quirkiness. In love with my happy little dog and my interesting job and the city I live in. In love with the path I've chosen.


In love with my right now.


It truly hit me like a ton of bricks.


While meditating today, I was finally able to articulate the problem-the reason my soul was screaming for that emergency brake. I can't commit to any of the plans, because they are not mine. It seems about the time I absorbed the message that I should be doing something, I also took on the notion that it should be what everyone else was doing. Or what would make everyone else happy or comfortable or secure in the fact that I was just like them. That's just not me. Never has been.


I need to keep my eyes on my own paper.


Remember that school age phrase? Tossed around a classroom when there were tests or quizzes to fret over? The teacher would walk up and down the aisles and admonish everyone, "keep your eyes on your own paper."


Who knew how true and profound those words could be?