Can't we all just get along... with ourselves?

Lately I find myself wondering why so many beautiful and talented women I know are so hard on themselves?


Here's the thing- I am constantly amazed by the love, support and acceptance my female friends dole out to the loved ones in their lives. Everyone from moms and dads all the way down to the family goldfish get the gold star treatment. Availability round the clock. No deed too small to be done well. And then, they can still drop everything and rally around a friend in need.


My female friends have walked the darkest paths with me, they celebrate my wins and ease the sting of my defeats. They know things about me that no one else does. In short, they sustain me. I like to think we do that for each other. We have been there for death and birth and moves and new jobs - like a security blanket woven through the ever changing facets of our worlds. Throughout history, women have nurtured these kinds of social support networks to survive. When female friendship works, it can be a life changing force.


So these women, these miraculous, life affirming, smart and accomplished women- these women who love and inspire and are loved.... why don't they love themselves? I am notorious for encouraging my girlfriends to be kinder to themselves. The mere whiff of a self deprecating comment leads me to bellow, "if you talked to your friends the way you talk to yourself, how many friends would you have?" The result is usually a grimace and an eye roll before the conversation moves on.


But, really? Why can't we get along with ourselves? The leading killer of women in the U.S. today is heart disease. American women are under more stress and taking more medication than ever before. We are bombarded by messages about all of the many things we should be. The overwhelming theme to these messages... perfection. We should be perfect. It's not enough to be loving, smart , life affirming or even accomplished. Nope. Ladies, we must be all of those things...and perfect.


What a losing battle. Unfortunately, it's one most women I know have taken to heart and it's not doing us any favors. Somewhere along the complicated road to being a 'grown up', we've managed to internalize all of these "shoulds". No matter what we do, it's never enough. We must be smart, special and talented. Independent. Resourceful. Thin. Attractive. Sexual. Intelligent. Kind. Domestic. Clever. Fertile. Fun. Nurturing. Fashionable. (to name just a few)


And while juggling all of these expectations, there is the minutiae of daily life to manage.


While making dinner tonight, I called a girlfriend and jokingly asked her where we were supposed to find the time to do everything? I started enumerating the laundry list of "shoulds" that engulf our lives and pairing them with all the things we actually have to do in a given day. She listened and let out a shaky laugh as she admitted that some days she just made it through work. We both laughed, acknowledged the absurdity of the situation and went on with our evenings.


I haven't been able to shake that conversation. When is it enough? When are we satisfied? When do we actually see how amazing we are? When do we learn to get along with ourselves?